


The Amaranth

by scarredsodeep



Category: AFI
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Javey through the ages, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Time Skips, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-08
Updated: 2006-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:03:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3097514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarredsodeep/pseuds/scarredsodeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fluff, angst, vignettes... this one's got it all. Javey through the ages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Present

**Author's Note:**

> Jade narrates. The rest of the story will be told in flashbacks. If I owned him, I would not allow him to do this.

I used to take deep breaths and allow myself to enjoy the way my lungs felt, stretching and filling with air and slowly expelling it again. _This is what your last breath will feel like_ , I used to think to myself. _This is what you feel like when you die._

Now I know better. Those breaths were nothing like the elated rattling of lungs, clutching at final wisps of air desperately as your body shudders to a halt… as you slowly listen to your heart beat you to death… as your chest collapses and you suffocate…

I smile, however briefly. _When they find me, my lips will be blue._

This is the last thought I need and I am ready.

Nudge-push- _bury_. This is how it feels.

I gasp at the cold, detached sting there is as I push down, hard, and slide the edge. It leaves my skin deep and ragged, useless white transparency foaming as my veins spill, perfect orbs of red nudging at the surface.

I did not expect it to be so cold, so insistent- so absolutely wonderful.

I do the other side quickly and the word begins to go hazy. Blood has always made me light-headed.

I feel my lips turn up into a relieved smile.

And then I feel nothing.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	2. Present

15 years ealier  
15

“Get away from me, Davey,” Jade spat, walking faster. He just wanted to get _home_. Today had been the worst day of his life. Someone had scratched ‘fag’ into his locker and some boys had tried to beat him up. He was lucky he was fast. If he wasn’t such a coward, they would have hurt him.

He should have let them.

“No, Jade,” Davey insisted, keeping up. “I can’t let you go like this. I can’t let you be alone.”

Jade stopped and whirled around, glaring furiously at the thirteen-year-old boy. Two grades below his best friend, Davey felt like he was losing Jade. They still spent weekends together- they lived only a few houses apart, after all- but ever since he’d started high school, Jade had been changing. He’d been getting more and more distant from Davey every day. He’d thought the fight they’d had when Jade started seventh grade had been bad, but this stunning absence of a fight was far worse. “What do you know about me, Davey?! What do you _care_ about me?”

“Jade Errol Puget,” Davey growled, shoving his dyed black bangs out of his eyes. His short haircut was overgrowing into his face. He was a small, feminine boy, voice just cracking into puberty, and he was wearing black jeans and a black shirt that hung baggy on his slight figure. Somehow he still managed to be a commanding presence, tightening the usual personable air about him into something fierce and terrible. It would be years before Jade came to recognize this manner as one that almost always meant he was in trouble. It would be years before Jade came to appreciate just how beautiful his friend was when he got angry. “I know you better than any person alive, and I know that if I let you go home alone today you will do something- something stupid.”

Davey’s voice had gone softer at the last two words. Jade had fallen into depression not long after their fight when he started seventh grade and each year consecutively it had grown harder for Davey to make him smile. Jade couldn’t remember when, exactly, he’d started hurting himself, but Davey could. Davey knew the precise date. He remembered the bubbling burn on Jade’s forearm better than Jade’s own scarred skin did. Jade told him that he’d knocked over one of his candles and that the wax had burnt him. It had been three days before Halloween last year, when Jade was in eighth grade. When Jade was thirteen.

The age Davey was now.

His best friend was many things, but an accomplished liar was not one of them. Every time Jade hurt himself, Davey knew, and another small part of him died. He figured by the time Jade ran out of fresh skin to cut and twist and burn, just about his whole self would be dead.

Jade planted his hands squarely in the middle of Davey’s chest and shoved, hard. “What the fuck are you going to do to stop me?” he yelled, tears beginning to slide down his face.

Davey stumbled backwards from the force of Jade’s push. Patiently, he stepped closer to Jade again. Taking a deep breath, Davey said bravely, “If you go home and kill yourself, I will do the same thing.”

His voice was trembling, but he meant t. He knew where his father kept his spare razor blades. He knew no one would be home until 7:30 that night, including his little brother Michael. And he hoped to God that Jade still cared enough about him that he wouldn’t have to make good on his threat.

Something in Jade’s eyes went out. “Davey,” he said hollowly, voice sounding very much like he had just watched his little brother be shot repeatedly. It was Davey’s first inkling as to how much Jade still cared for him, high school be damned. “Davey, you don’t mean that.”

“I do,” Davey declared, drawing himself up to his full height. It was endearing how unimpressive this was.

Jade pulled a startled Davey into a tight hug, body shaking with sobs. “C-can we go to your house?” he hiccupped into Davey’s shoulder. Davey rubbed his back soothingly.

“Of course,” Davey said softly, relief flooding through his body. Jade was okay. His best friend was all right.

And for a few months at least, it seemed like it would stay that way.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	3. 23 Years Ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The numbers at the beginning of the chapter (i.e.: 7) are Jade's age at the time of the flashback. Incorrect as I may be, I put Smith at one year below him and Davey two. So, during this flashback, Davey is 5. I know I'm making it up. So. What.

23 years ago  
7

“Jade! My mom got a baby!” Davey enunciated excitedly into the phone. Jade was Davey’s best friend. He and his brothers had moved onto Davey’s block almost a year ago, and even though Jade and Smith were bigger than him, they still played with Davey after school. On weekends, they sometimes had sleepovers.

Mrs. Marchand was worried that Jade was going to break Davey’s heart when he made friends with boys his own age and stopped playing with Davey. That was why today he was at Colin’s house.

Colin was, as far as Davey was concerned, nothing but a baby. He was whiny and did not like to climb trees or ride bikes. He always had a cold and his mother made them eat granola bars for snack and play inside. His parents thought that Colin was a great friend for their son. Davey despised him.

Today was the most important day of his life. His mother was in the hospital having a baby. He had been dropped off at Colin’s. Colin’s mother had come into the living room, where Colin was playing with blocks and Davey was throwing Matchbox cars at his towers, half an hour ago. Instead of scolding Davey as she usually would have, Colin’s mother squealed in nasally delight, “Your father just called. You’ve got a baby brother called Michael, David!”

Davey had been unimpressed. Jade and Smith had another brother. His name was Gibson and he was three. Three-year-olds were no fun. _Colin_ was more fun than three-year-olds. And this new baby would be three times less fun than even Gibson.

He waited till Colin’s mother went outside to work in her garden before asking Colin, “Where is your phone?”

At five, Davey was bigger than sickly Colin, but smaller than most children. Colin was absolutely terrified of him.

“Mommy says not to use it,” Colin informed Davey, taking advantage of Davey’s ceasefire to make a large tower.

Davey ran his fingers through his close-cropped hair, a habit he’d keep all his life. “ _Colin_ ,” he said, exasperated. “I asked where it _was_.”

“Well, are you going to use it?” Colin asked petulantly.

“No! I’m going to check to make sure she hung it up,” Davey lied calmly. He figured it was okay to tell things that weren’t true to babies. Davey knew Mrs. Puget told Gibson lies all the time. Like “there’s no more apple juice” or “Jade eats _his_ broccoli”. “Otherwise she’ll get in trouble with the phone company.”

Colin looked genuinely frightened. “What will happen?” he asked in a hushed voice.

Davey made eyes wide and serious. “I don’t know,” he whispered dramatically. Colin hastily explained how to get to the phone in the kitchen.

Davey had memorized Jade’s phone number months ago; Mrs. Puget answered and put Jade on the phone.

After Davey announced his news, Jade asked wisely, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“A boy,” Davey said proudly. “Named Michael.”

Jade sounded relieved. “That’s good news,” he said. “Girl babies are much worse than boy ones. They play with dolls and stuff.”

Jade was in first grade and a fairly reliable fount of knowledge. Davey was glad to hear that this Michael would not be _too_ bad to have around.

“Maybe he’ll be friends with Gibson,” Davey suggested.

“Babies aren’t friends with _anyone_ ,” Jade said knowledgably. “Gibson would have no fun with a baby.”

Davey felt his heart sink. “Are babies really that boring?”

“Yes. All they do is cry and sleep,” Jade admitted, “and make moms crabby.”

Davey frowned. “If Michael does that, then I don’t want him,” he decided.

“Oh, Davey,” sighed Jade. “Once you get one, you’ve stuck with it. Don’t you know anything about where babies come from?”

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	4. 3 Days Ago

3 days ago  
30

“What do you mean?” Davey asked quietly. He had gone as pale as death.

“Exactly what I said,” Jade said, but his voice was shaking. He didn’t want to do this. He couldn’t _believe_ he was doing this.

“But- you can’t leave me,” Davey pleaded, too shocked to realize he was begging. “You LOVE me, Jade. And I love you. I _love_ you. That’s how… that’s how we’ve always been!”

“This is the way it has to be,” Jade whispered, more pain flooding him with every word he spoke.

While tears started to slide down Davey’s face, Jade turned abruptly and walked into the bathroom they’d shared for the last ten years. As soon as Davey had turned 18, they’d moved into their own place. Together. For always.

 _Not anymore_ , Jade told himself fiercely. He had to do this. It was for Davey. He couldn’t bear to leave him, but he had to. If he didn’t leave now, Davey would end up blaming himself.

Jade dragged his razor up his calf, tipping his head back and mouth falling open in the cool relief it brought. After carefully cleaning off the razor and laying it back in the shower, he used one of the white hand towels Davey had bought to cover the long, twisting cut. He pulled his pant leg down over it. There was an odd bulge, but the towel would stay. He didn’t want Davey to know about this. He never did.

At the thought of his lover’s name, tears finally came. He stared hard at his leg, where blood had already soaked through the cheap towel and now crawling into the denim, darkness seeping through. Jade swore under his breath.

When he wrenched his own heart apart, he never expected it to bleed this much.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	5. 14 Years Earlier

14 years earlier  
16

Davey bit on his lip ring nervously. Jade had taken him to get it done a week or two ago; he was only sixteen, but he knew a guy. Davey’s mother had only sighed and said his name in a pained kind of way when she’d seen it, and Michael had been in awe. At nine, he’d never seen any piercings but Jade and his mother’s ears before- he’d told Davey earnestly that he’d be the coolest freshmen in high school.

His father hadn’t noticed.

He pushed his bangs off his sweating forehead. He’d been letting them grow- he’d seen a guy in one of Jade’s guitar magazines with bangs down past his chin and the rest cut short. He was fairly confident that, while his bangs were currently only at the tip of his nose, it would start looking just as cool soon. He _hoped_ it would start looking cool soon, at least… It was the middle of July and he was extremely nervous about starting high school, no matter what Jade said.

“Mom thinks I should stop painting my nails,” he offered up. He was sitting on Jade’s bedroom floor, plinking idly at Jade’s acoustic guitar. Jade was at his desk, writing in a notebook. “What do you think?”

Jade set down his pen and got up. He walked over to Davey, knelt down, and roughly took the other boy’s chin in his hand. “If you change a single thing about you,” he said urgently, voice harsh and low, staring deep into Davey’s wide chocolate eyes, “I will die. You are completely and entirely perfect. I don’t care what your mother, your father, or anyone else in the WORLD says about it.”

Davey was trembling from the intensity of their eye contact. Jade had never looked so deeply into his eyes before. Realizing how aggressive he’d been, Jade dropped his hand and averted his eyes, mumbling something and standing back up. Still sitting, Davey reached up and caught his hand.

“Hey Jade?” he said brightly, hoping Jade didn’t doubt the sincerity of his words. “I could say the same thing about you.”

Jade blushed purple and Davey felt like laughing out loud. There was something light and wonderful pushing up inside him and, though he wasn’t sure what it meant, he knew that it was coming from Jade.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	6. 3 Years Ago

3 years ago  
28

“Can we go _home_ yet?” Hunter moaned. “My feet hurt.”

“We haven’t found a present for Davey yet,” Jade whined. “You guys were supposed to _help_ me.”

Adam shrugged, throwing out his empty Baskin Robbins cup. “Hunter suggested the Auntie Anne’s gift card,” he reminded Jade, “and you forced me to come. Why can’t you just get him flowers and write him a song like usual?”

Jade sighed. “Because I want to give him something _better_ this year.”

“I don’t know why you’re so worried,” Hunter grumbled, shoving the last of his fourth pretzel into his mouth. They’d been circling the mall for hours and Hunter could never pass up the kiosk. “You could give him a box of tissues and he’d scream with joy. Anything you _touch_ is sacred to him.”

“But I want this to be perfect,” Jade said wistfully. So far he’d bought a pair of jeans, earrings, and a fruit smoothie. None of which were for Davey.

“Jade,” Adam reasoned gently, “we’ve been through ever store here at least twice. That includes the Lego Bin. What are you hoping to find?”

“Something perfect,” Jade mumbled miserably. “He deserves no less.”

“We haven’t been in there,” Hunter said thickly around his pretzel, pointing at a small, dim shop. Its dirty display windows were stuffed with resale clothing and an odd smattering of toys.

“I can’t get him clothes,” Jade said dismissively, shaking his head. “ _He_ doesn’t even know what he likes to wear half the time.”

Adam and Hunter, however, had other ideas. Each grabbed an arm and dragged him into the store.

Forty minutes later, Jade had paid just under two hundred dollars for a vintage Blondie t-shirt, a scratched but unbelievably rare Cure vinyl, a tattered Madonna poster, and a fuzzy lavender stuffed rabbit with glittering rhinestone eyes. He’d also found a whole box of sunglasses that looked like they’d been designed by Cher; they were enormous and square and less fashionable that a cone bra. He’d gotten four pairs of those, one for each of them. Hunter had donned his immediately, and Adam had just repeated, “I am _not_ wearing those, Jade Puget. Get away from me” till Jade had pouted and dropped them into his bag.

There was a slight problem. Every single thing that Jade had bought was so obscurely wonderful that he, very badly, wanted to keep them all. He wanted to keep everything he’d seen in the store, actually; but now that he’d narrowed it down to these four potential gifts, they were even harder to part with.

Hunter intervened. “You may only keep ONE of these things,” he informed Jade nastily, though it was hard to take him seriously around the sunglasses, “because I am DONE shopping and refuse to listen to you moaning about how you haven’t gotten Davey enough for his stupid goddamn birthday.”

“How often do you turn twenty-six?” Jade pouted, but Adam backed Hunter up.

“Pick one, Jade,” he warned, “or I will make you give them ALL away.”

Jade hesitated over the Cure vinyl, which had taken up $70 of his purchase, but in the end there was no contest. He’d know the second he’d seen it that the Blondie shirt had to be his.

He and Adam wrapped everything else, and Jade bought an enormous bouquet of small, indigo daisies. When he nervously presented them to Davey, his lover scowled and pouted, “What, no song this year?”

Jade paled considerably but Davey’s face lit up with his wonderful laugh, throwing his arms around the taller man. “Oh, Jade,” he giggled. “You’re too easy. I love them. They’re beautiful. _You’re_ beautiful. Thank you.”

“Happy birthday, Dave,” Jade said weakly, blushing and handing him the ‘It’s A Boy!’ gift bag he’d put the other gifts in.

Hunter was right.

As much as he loved everything else, Davey would have been happy with just the flowers.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	7. 7 Years Earlier

7 years earlier  
23

Davey pushed Jade’s bangs off his sweating forehead. His lover whimpered, flinching at his touch.

“Jade, angel,” Davey whispered, wrapping his arms around Jade’s unconscious body. It had been months since Jade had had a nightmare so bad.

“Don’t hurt me!” Jade moaned pathetically, twitching and half-rolling in Davey’s arms, tears running down his face as his terrified whimpers grew louder.

Davey squeezed Jade’s hand, trying to soothe him without waking him. Jade hated when he woke up crying and he was always furious with himself for disturbing Davey’s sleep.

“Jade,” Davey repeated gently. “Shh. You’re all right, Jade. I’m here.” Davey kissed away the silver tears dotting Jade’s cheekbones. The way they sparkled in the moonlight frightened him. Jade looked… almost inhuman. Impermanent. A fleeting touch of perfection that was never meant to stay.

Jade woke suddenly, sobs escalating. He buried his face into Davey’s chest, holding the other man tightly. “Davey,” he cried quietly. “Davey, I’m so- I’m so sorry.”

Davey immediately began to rub Jade’s back. “No, no,” he urged, “please don’t be sorry. You should never be sorry. You’re much too beautiful to cry, Jadey.”

Jade held on to Davey as if the world would fall apart the instant he let go. “Please don’t leave me,” he begged around his sobs. “Please s-stay always.”

His words broke Davey’s heart. He took Jade’s face in his hands, thumbs pressed firmly along his lover’s jawline. He looked Jade hard in the eye.

Tears spilled down his freckled face and Jade’s huge brown eyes were terrified. He’d never been so vulnerable before.

Davey had never seen anything so beautiful.

“Jade,” Davey promised, whisper low and husky, making Jade shiver, “I will never leave you. I can’t. I love you so much…” and he paused to take a deep, shuddering breath as his voice dropped even lower, deep and barely audible, “…that I would die without you. A man can’t live without his heart, and you-” he kissed Jade on the forehead- “have-” the chin- “mine.”

Davey pressed his lips to Jade’s, which were damp with tears. “I will love you till the day I die,” he breathed against Jade’s lips before kissing them, hard. This time, his whisper made them both shiver.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	8. 20 Years Ago

20 years ago  
10

“Happy birthday, Jade!” Davey screamed, bursting into the Pugets’ house and running up the stairs.

“Hi Dave!” Mrs. Puget called after him, grinning. She’d always loved Davey.

“Hi!” Davey screeched back, excitedly pounding on the door to Jade’s room. He was holding a lumpy, poorly-wrapped birthday present, which he had made himself.

Yawning, skinny pale torso bare, Jade opened his bedroom door. His hair was tousled and his ribs stuck out in the way only a growing boy’s or anorexic movie star’s can. “Good morning,” Jade yawned, ruffling his hair with his fingers. “What time is it?”

“Seven thirty six,” Davey said proudly, after consulting his Toucan Sam cereal box watch. “I wanted to be the first person to tell you happy birthday,” he added, thrusting the lumpy package at Jade, whose face broke out into a lopsided grin.

They sat down on Jade’s rumpled bed and Jade tore into the wrapping paper. When he saw what was inside, his face lit up.

Davey had taken a bike helmet, painted it with black and pink checkers, lovingly stuck on the best of the stickers he’d been collecting from the machines at the roller rink all year, and attacked a waterproof stopwatch to the front of it.

Mrs. Puget was adamant about helmet-wearing. This way, Davey had thought, Jade would be _cooler_ than the other kids he skateboarded with instead of a baby with a helmet on.

Jade jammed it onto his head immediately. “This,” he announced, “is hella rad.”

It was a phrase he’d picked up from the boys he skated with, whose names Davey wouldn’t learn for a few years, and Davey beamed with pride. ‘Hella rad’ was only used to communicate the coolest of cool things- after all, he was ten years old, and it was practically a _swear_ word. “Happy birthday, Jade,” he said happily.

“Let’s go!” Jade yelled, thundering out of his room and down the stairs. “I gotta show the other guys the awesome present my BEST FRIEND got me!"

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	9. 17 Years Earlier

17 years earlier  
13

“Hey, Jade,” Nick said appraisingly as Jade sat down on the concrete step outside of the 7-Eleven.

“Hey,” Jade said back coolly, kicking aimlessly at his skateboard. Now that he was in seventh grade, this was where he hung out- with all his cool, junior high friends. There were Nick, Mark, and Adam. Sometimes a kid named Geoff came, but he was older. Once, Jade had let Smith and Davey tag along, but they were only sixth-and-fifth graders. Adam liked Davey and they all thought Smith was a really good skater for being a year younger, but it kind of went unspoken after that that it wasn’t cool to hang out with grade schoolers anymore.

He’d never admit it, but he missed Davey. Sometimes they still saw each other, but Davey was just a kid. Jade usually said he had homework and then skated here, where they wore hoodies and generally regarded themselves as cooler than everyone else. After all, they _were_ seventh graders.

Today, just as dusk fell, Mark stopped bragging about how far he’d gone with his ‘girlfriend’ Monica (Jade knew for a fact all they’d done was hold hands, but he wouldn’t embarrass Mark by saying so) to announce that he was going to get some cigarettes.

Adam had been the first to laugh at him. “Oh, year right,” he said. “Like they’ll believe you’re 18.”

Mark puffed up defiantly. “They don’t have to,” he decided. “I’m gonna get someone who IS eighteen to buy them for me.”

They fell silent to ponder the brilliance of this idea. After a few moments, Nick said, “Nah. They won’t do it. People aren’t that dumb.”

“Sure they are,” Mark boasted. “Just wait.”

They’d forgotten all about it and fallen back into their pattern of stupid contests and mocking each other when, half an hour later, a man on a motorcycle pulled up.

Mark got up and stopped the grisly man at the door. Handing him a five dollar bill, Mark asked, “Wanna grab me a pack of cigs?”

While all his friends were seriously impressed by how cool he was, the biker merely chuckled. “You a big smoker?” he asked.

Mark nodded. “Yessir. Been smoking since I was fifteen.”

The man laughed out loud. “Fifteen? How old you now?”

“Seventeen last April,” Mark lied. He’d turned _thirteen_ last April. Jade and Adam laughed incredulously while Nick rolled his eyes. “Tell you what. I’ll buy you this pack of cigarettes if you promise me you’ll quite after you’re done smoking it. Nasty habit, smoking.”

Mark promised and the bemused man brought him his change and pack of Marlboros. He even lit the first one for him. “Remember your promise,” he sighed before driving away.

The man must have known that they’d never smoked before and that, after choking and coughing for fifteen minutes straight, they’d never want to again. Of course, to save face, they assed it around and pretended to smoke it for a while, none of them convincing the others.

They did fool one person into believing they were really smoking, though, and that was Davey. At the ripe, gullible age of eleven, he had come to find Jade to tell him about the first fight he’d been in. He had beat the crap out of the now-bulky-but-still-wimpy Colin. When he got the 7-Eleven and saw Jade with a cigarette, he was horrified. He turned directly around and ran for home.

“Did he see us?” Nick asked worriedly. “My mom will kill me if he goes blabbing to the whole neighborhood about this.”

“He looked pretty upset,” Adam added.

Jade dropped the cigarette on the ground and ran, as fast as he could, after Davey.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	10. 19 Years Earlier

19 years earlier  
11

Davey had just turned nine last Wednesday. Now it was Friday night, and he and Jade were huddled around a flashlight in the fort they’d made in the older boy’s basement.

At eleven, Jade was reluctant to admit to fear of anything. That was why, when Davey had suggested making a fort to sleep in, he’d agreed, even though he’d been afraid of his basement since he was six.

Davey’s eyes were wide with terror as the furnace groaned. “Jade,” he whimpered, “you aren’t scared of anything, right?”

Startled, Jade looked in alarm to Davey’s large, searching brown eyes. He was scared of a thousand things, probably more.

“Um,” Jade answered. For some reason, he got the feeling that saying ‘yes’ would let Davey down, something he never, ever wanted to do.

Davey hugged a pillow tight to his chest, scooting closer to Jade and sighing contentedly. Apparently ‘um’ was as good as ‘no’. “Good,” he said happily, leaning his head onto his best friend’s shoulder and letting his eyes fall closed. “Because if you’re not scared, I don’t have to be… if you’re too strong to get hurt by bad things, then I’m safe. So long as I’m with you… I’m safe.”

Not long afterwards, Davey fell asleep with a serene smile on his lips. Jade didn’t let himself sleep, or even relax- he sat up rigidly all night long. _I’ve got to keep it safe for Davey_ , he thought. _I’ve got to keep him safe._

It was something he’d never forget for the rest of his life.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	11. 2 Days Ago

2 days earlier  
30

“Jade left,” Davey whispered hollowly as his friends walked into the studio, fifteen minutes late. Upon hearing his news, Adam sat down, hard, at his drum kit.

“We’re supposed to start recording today,” he said, exasperated. “What the hell is WRONG with him? He’s so fucking irresponsible sometimes-”

Hunter, kneeling at Davey’s side, held up a hand to silence Adam. “Where did he go, Davey?” he asked Davey gently.

Davey was slumped against a wall, sheet of raven hair in front of his face. “I don’t know,” he said thickly. He slowly looked up, and Hunter was alarmed to see his puffy, bloodshot eyes. He didn’t have any makeup on, and his hair was clearly unwashed. “He _left_ , Hunter. Left the band… left everything. He said… he said…” Davey’s voice contorted in a spasm of grief and he looked away.

“What did he say, Dave?” Adam asked softly, joining Hunter on the studio floor.

“He said he didn’t want to love me anymore,” Davey murmured numbly, turning his frighteningly shallow eyes on Adam. “He said… that he couldn’t. I l-left our apartment for a while- I went to M-Mikey’s place and started crying… he called Nick. H-his girlfriend came too… I hated the way they were _looking_ at me… the way _y-you’re_ looking at me…” he accused. Hunter and Adam both wiped their faces of emotion as Davey went on, “When I g-got home, he was… gone. I hoped he’d be here… but he’d not. He’s not. He’s- he’s gone… He’s GONE!”

Davey’s eyes had gotten wild, and Adam roughly pulled him into a hug before he could lash out. “We’ll find him,” he promised gruffly into Davey’s ear, tightening his grip on his friend. “We’ll find him like we found him last time, and he’ll be begging- he’ll be _begging_ you, Dave, to-”

“No,” Davey moaned. “No, this isn’t _like_ last time. He said-” and Davey’s sobs began to turn into hiccups- “he said he didn’t _want_ to love me. H-he’s not coming back. Even if we do find him, he’s not… he’s not coming back.”

“Oh, Davey…” Hunter whispered, adding his arms to the hug. They were a family and Davey’s heart was broken- now was not the time to be shy about affection. “I love you, Dave… we love you.”

By the time they all let go, Davey wasn’t the only one crying.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	12. 12 Years Ago

12 years ago  
18

Jade was plastered to the passenger seat. “I don’t want to die, Davey,” he said weakly, wincing as his best friend took on another curb. “When I said ‘shotgun’, I meant that you should use one on me.”

“I’m not THAT bad,” Davey grumbled in his defense. “Oops,” he added, noticing the stop sign a few yards too late.

“Why did they even give you your license?” Jade moaned, knuckles white as he clutched the door handle.

“Because I’m so irresistibly adorable,” Davey smirked, taking his hand off the wheel to flick his forelock out of his eyes and veering wildly into the other lane. “Whoa,” he chuckled, grabbing the wheel again.

“I’m having heart palpitations,” Jade croaked. His eyes were flung wide in terror.

“You’re being-” Davey winced as the light up ahead turned yellow and he pressed the gas pedal flat- “ridiculous.”

“Please just let me drive,” Jade squeaked out in one panicked breath as Davey then slammed on the brakes to avoid rear-ending the meandering minivan in front of them.

“I’ll never learn to get better if I let you drive us everywhere,” Davey pouted. “It’s my first day. Cut me some slack.”

“Are we almost there?” Jade asked timidly, sighing. Davey had a good point. Even if he _was_ going to kill them both.

“I’m not telling you,” Davey laughed, and Jade sulked in silence for the rest of the drive.

When Davey finally pulled into two parking spots, Jade scowled around. They were at an ugly, muddy, deserted lake. Posted signs mandated ‘no boats’, ‘no swimming’, and ‘no fishing’.

“Why have you brought me to a useless lake?” Jade asked distastefully. It was dusk, already getting too dark for him to even get a tan and therefore exhausting all possible functions of a water attraction. “Have you promised the mosquitoes a feast, or do you plan to murder me out here?”

Davey undid his seatbelt and wriggled around the gearshift and into the backseat. This car, an aging bronze Porsche, was Jade’s pride and joy. When he’d gotten it for $600, it hadn’t run; three blown tires and an engine full of sawdust. He’d nursed it back to health, even patched and airbrushed the sleek leather interior by hand. By the time he had painstakingly finished restoring his baby, new engine purring from the treatment he and Smith had given it, dents and dings painted over and hammered out, it still looked like crap. But he loved it more than anything- except Davey. Davey was the only other person alive Jade had ever allowed to drive it.

“Does this mean you’re letting me drive home?” Jade asked, sounding relieved. Davey shook his head and reached for Jade, who haphazardly managed to crawl into the back.

“You’re leaving next month,” Davey said softly once they’d settled into something not so different from comfort. “In 26 days, you’re leaving.”

Jade shifted so he could look into Davey’s eyes. There was hardly enough room for both of them in the tiny backseat, a fact that did not seem to matter to Davey.

“I’m not going far,” Jade reminded Davey for the hundredth time. “Just upstate. You know I couldn’t bear to be any farther away from you than four hours.”

“You could have gone to Duke,” Davey said mournfully. “A thousand better schools wanted you.”

Jade continued over Davey’s lamentations, “And by the time you graduate, I’ll have a part-time job and we can get an apartment. Some tiny, ugly dump, and we’ll be more cramped there than we are back here-”

“Jade, I’m going to miss you so much,” Davey went on weakly. “You’ve been with me my whole life. I don’t know how to be without you.”

Jade kissed Davey’s forehead tenderly. “Not that I mind back here,” he said softly before going on, “Don’t be ridiculous, Dave. You’ll be fine. You’ll still have the guys- they’re not going anywhere, are they? Just a community school? You’ll still have the band. You’ll still have Smith… and Mikey…”

“I don’t want any of that,” Davey whispered, tears pooling in his eyes, “if I can’t have you. Nothing else matters.”

Jade took Davey’s face in his hands and said, “You’re talking like you’re going to lose me. You’re part of me, Davey- you’re my goddamn heart. I love you and nothing in the world is ever going to change that.”

A tear curled down Davey’s thick eyelashes and hung there as he looked up miserably. “Promise?” he asked weakly.

The moment the tear hit his cheek, Jade pushed it away with his rough, callused thumb. “Of course I promise,” he said sweetly, kissing Davey’s lips briefly. “I will never leave you, Davey. Not really. We’re—this is forever, babe. This is for always.”

Davey flung himself at Jade, knocking him back and burying his face into Jade’s new, grey, cursed UCLA hoodie. “I love you,” he mumbled into the fabric, wrapping his arms around Jade. “I love you so much.”

Jade kissed the top of Davey’s head, squeezing him tightly. “Of course you do,” he said easily, rubbing his beloved’s back.

Davey looked up from Jade’s shoulder, pressing the older boy down beneath him, and dragged his lips across Jade’s collarbone. Jade moaned softly and smacked his head on the window behind him. “I should have gotten a Jeep,” he murmured, catching Davey’s lips with his own. Davey deepened the kiss, biting Jade’s lower lip gently, shifting so his hips were pressed against the other boy’s. Jade’s teeth caught Davey’s earlobe, which he pulled softly and let gone. Davey whimpered as Jade’s tongue flicked down his neck.

Davey found his lips again and kissed him, hard but slow. Jade moaned louder this time as Davey’s lips found his Adam’s apple. “I don’t know why you think I’d ever leave you,” he moaned, pulling Davey’s face back to his. He kissed around Davey’s lips tantalizingly, staring deep into his lover’s eyes.

Davey could never resist that, and his whole body shivered. To Jade’s dismay, however, he pulled away and sat up. Gripping Jade’s forearms and pinning him down, Davey subtly shifted so that he was straddling the other boy. “These are why,” he responded, voice low, nodding at the brown and red lines crosshatching the otherwise soft, pale skin of Jade’s forearms. “These are why I’m afraid you want to leave me,” he whispered, releasing Jade, who crossed his arms across his chest immediately, pressing his wrists tight against his sides. The air in the car was suddenly stale and Davey climbed off of Jade, grateful that it was now too dark for Jade to see how wet his eyes were. Wordlessly, Davey slipped into the passenger seat.

He didn’t speak again until Jade, having awkwardly slid behind the steering wheel, started the car and mumbled roughly, “It’s not about you.”

“What’s it about, then?” Davey snapped. Tension always put him on edge. He hated it when they were fighting. His voice was small, and Jade could tell he’d been struggling against tears.

Jade was trembling. “It’s not fucking about you,” he repeated coldly. “So leave me the fuck alone.”

“Should I, Jade?” Davey asked calmly, all ice.

Something jolted inside Jade and he said softly, “Not like that, Dave.” His voice was pained and Davey had to strain to hear him over the crunching of gravel. “I just… it gets so hard to breathe sometimes…”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore,” Davey said severely, wincing at how harsh his voice sounded. There was a finality to his familiar demand that had never been there before.

“Davey—I can’t-” Jade started miserably.

“Promise me,” Davey demanded.

Jade did not promise, and neither of them spoke again the rest of the ride home. When Jade was finally safe in his own bedroom again, the tears began to fall and he carved a shaky line into his side just to make them stop.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	13. 14 Years Earlier pt. 2

_14 years ago, pt. 2_   
_16_

  
Jade glimpsed Davey’s raven head for a split second before it was sucked back into a swirling vortex of freshman.

Jade grinned. It was Davey’s first day. The younger boy had been panicking about this day all summer and it had taken all of August to decide on an outfit. Jade felt something turn in his stomach and, feeling warm all over, dove in after Dave.

Davey’s palms were sweating so much that his schedule was permanently attached to his hand. Weaving desperately through the crowd, trying to find Biology, Davey’s spirits were at an all-time low. He’d been late to three classes, gone to two wrong ones, and people were staring at him in a bad way. Freshman looked at him with a mix of derision and respect, everyone else just rolled their eyes.

Worse, his only friend in his own grade was Colin, who was bludgeoning smaller freshman out of the way as he worried over his map in his nasally, Colin-y voice.

Davey had never stopped hating Colin. He was in the middle of snarling at the other boy to shut up when he felt a cool hand on his arm.

“Dave,” Jade breathed into his ear. “How’s it going?”

Davey whirled around crying, “Jade!” He wanted to throw himself into his friend’s arms even more than usual.

Jade grinned and Davey beamed. Colin stared in dumb fear. Bulky enough for football and within an inch of Jade’s height, he was terrified of the junior nonetheless. Jade slung his arm around Davey’s shoulder and guided him to the right side of the hallway, which was typically the side students walked on, barring the freshman who never quite picked up on the assumed rule.

“How’s your first day been, angel?” Jade asked sunnily. Davey was awed by the way people got out of his way and didn’t try to push past him. It was also about twenty degrees cooler over here, even next to Jade (who lately seemed to only make him hotter).

“Awful,” Davey moaned, happily burrowing himself into the familiar comfort of his best friend. Colin was stumbling dazedly behind them. “I keep getting lost. And people _laugh_ at me.”

Jade frowned. “Who? Who was mean to you?”

Davey turned bright red, unwilling to admit just how greatly he enjoyed his friend’s protectiveness. “Can you take me to B14?” he mumbled, changing the subject as the minute bell rang. “I’m lost.”

Jade stopped abruptly at an open door. “This is it,” he laughed. His tone abruptly changed, all business. “Listen. Smith said he saw you in gym and you were upset. If anyone says anything or so much as lays a finger on you, I want you to tell me. No one’s going to fuck with my Davey.”

Davey’s blush deepened and, on crazy impulse, he shoved his lip-length bangs out of his eyes and pecked Jade on the cheek. He regretted it immediately.

If Jade was surprised, he didn’t show it. Davey was so relieved that he didn’t even scowl when Jade ruffled his hair and strode away.

He was too busy watching Jade’s hips swing.

 

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>


	14. 17 Years Earlier pt. 2

_17 years earlier, pt. 2_   
_13_

 

“Davey! Wait!” Jade yelped. He didn’t seem to be able to breathe properly, his voice scratching and his throat still sore from his coughing fit.

Davey was a black streak against the night, running as fast as he could, tears pouring down his face. He hated Jade. Jade _was_ too big for him to play with, just like his mom had always said. He was too big and too cool and too dumb to play with a kid like Davey. He’d rather smoke himself to death on a skateboard outside some dumb _store_. Well, that was fine. Davey didn’t care what big dumb _Jade_ did anyway.

Face flushing with anger, Davey pushed himself harder. Stupid Jade.

Davey was faster, but Jade’s legs were longer and Davey had already run all the way there. It wasn’t long before Jade caught up and tackled the smaller boy off the sidewalk and into the grass.

Davey shrieked at the top of his lungs. Panting hard, Jade pinned the squirming body down and covered Davey’s mouth with his big, grass-stained hand. “Shut up!” he hissed, staring fiercely at Davey. When the little boy stopped struggling, Jade let go of his mouth.

“Davey,” Jade said calmly, “you can’t tell anyone what you just saw.”

“We learned about smoking in school,” Davey spat. “You’re addicted and you won’t be able to stop till you get cancer and DIE.”

“Don’t be stupid, Davey,” Jade snapped. There was a horrible pressure on his lungs. It was like sinking, drowning… he’d be so afraid he’d never catch Davey, never find Davey, never see him again. He’d be scared he’d lose his best friend. Now that he’d caught him again, now that he’d got him trapped on his back in the grass, he never wanted to let go again. He felt that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to keep breathing, that the pressure in his lungs would make them collapse. “I’ve never done it before.”

“You’re addicted now,” Davey shot back angrily. They’d just finished their drug unit at school. He was enraged that Jade would try to lie to him.

“You don’t get addicted your first time!” Jade insisted. “Besides. It’s not your business even if I was.”

“Oh yes it is!” cried Davey, struggling against Jade. Jade was startled by how much stronger he was than Davey. When they were younger, they’d be pretty evenly matched. He didn’t know when it had changed.

“Says who?” he demanded.

“Me!” Davey yelped back hotly.

“Since when do you get to tell me what to do?” Jade yelled, staring down at Davey furiously. He’d never admit it, but this made him feel… strange. In a good way. He felt his skin getting hotter and some of the ideas edging into his mind appalled him.

“Since I’m your best friend!” Davey bellowed back, squirming beneath Jade again. Heat began to creep up Jade’s neck. “Unless you’re not my _friend_ anymore,” he added more quietly, hatred filling his voice. Stupid, stupid Jade. He wriggled, trying to get free. He’d hit Jade, just like he hit Colin earlier today, the second he got his arms back.

And then Jade did something that made both boys freeze. He leaned down and pressed his lips over Davey’s. It was only a second before he pulled back, mortified at what he’d done. His body had moved of its own accord. Davey gaped at him, face white as death and, frozen, they stared into each other’s eyes, the night still around them.

Their hearts, both beating ten times faster than usual, were the only things that moved for a long, long time. Then Davey hissed, “I don’t even know who you are anymore,” and, looking like he’d been slapped across the face, Jade leapt to his feet, turned, and ran.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>


	15. 10 Years Earlier

10 years earlier  
20

“Can I open my eyes yet? I came to visit you but I’ve only actually seen you for half a second so far,” Davey complained. He didn’t know what Jade’s big surprise was- he’d visited his lover’s dorm several times in the last two years. This time, the moment he’d gotten off the bus Jade had blindfolded him and was now carefully steering him to some mystery destination.

“You’ll see,” said Jade excitedly. “Stairs.”

Davey scaled the staircase unsteadily, grateful for Jade’s hands planted firmly on his waist. He’d never admit to Jade how adorable this all was. No, he’d rather have Jade think it was completely and utterly annoying- just in case he got it into his head to try this sort of thing again.

Jade’s warm hands left his waist and Davey heard a door being unlocked. Jade shoved him forward gently and pressed his lips again Davey’s pale neck.

“I love you, Davey,” he said sweetly, gingerly untying his favorite pink tie from the boy’s eyes.

Davey looked around, disoriented. There was something buzzing in his mind. He was standing just inside a door, looking into a small, neat apartment. To his left was the open entry to a kitchen, to his right a dining room, a change from linoleum to carpet denoting its shift into the living room that spread directly in front of him. Sliding glass doors against the far wall led to a tiny patio, and a closed door just before the faded cornflower blue couch on the right wall undoubtedly led to a bedroom.

Davey recognized some of the shabby furniture from the old house Adam and the guys had rented in Berkeley while they took classes at the community college. Some of it he’d never seen before.

“Jade, what is this?” he whispered.

Jade’s grin faltered, but only for an instant. “Ours,” he said, voice shaking but sincere. “This is ours.”

Disbelief. It was disbelief that was buzzing behind his eyes. “What do you mean, Jade?” he whispered hoarsely.

Jade, standing behind him, had wrapped his arms around Davey’s waist, curving to fit the contours of Davey’s back. “I promised you,” he murmured, “we’d get a place when you graduated, didn’t I?”

“Ours,” Davey echoed numbly. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t possible. This was the reason for the invention of phrases like ‘too good to be true’.

This was a dream. A good, good dream.

Jade kissed the tip of his ear tenderly and hugged him tighter. “How can we pay for this?” Davey asked slowly.

Jade shrugged. “I’ve had a good job at a bookstore for the last two years, and I know the guy who owns the complex. He gave me a good price on it; the rent’s almost two hundred dollars less than my paycheck.”

“What about the first-and-last month payment?” Davey challenged. He knew there was more; he’d whirled around in his lover’s arms, and Jade was casually refusing to look him in the eye.

“Okay, so I may or may not have had to sell a few things,” Jade admitted, still nonchalant and staring hard at the wall.

“Like what?” Davey pressed him.

“Nothing important…” Jade said grudgingly, ears beginning to turn pink. “A few records I never listen to… some old books…”

Something not so different from horror sunk in Davey’s stomach as something occurred to him. “Jade, we walked here from the bus stop. Why did we walk here from the bus stop?”

“That’s another great thing about this place!” Jade added brightly, examining Davey’s forehead. “Great location. We’re only six blocks from the bus station, and barely two miles off campus!”

“Is there by any chance a parking garage?” Davey demanded pointedly.

Jade looked at the floor. “Um,” he mumbled.

“ _Did you sell the Porsche_?” Davey hissed menacingly.

Miserably, Jade said, “I knew that if I came to you empty-handed, I might lose you. I didn’t want to be the guy who couldn’t afford to put a roof over your head…”

“So you decided to be the guy who would sell his most prized possession to rent a crappy apartment?” Davey asked, clearly exasperated. Jade could be so blindly stubborn, so stupid-

“Davey, you’re all that matters to me,” Jade pleaded, hoping Davey wouldn’t be angry. He tended to lose his head when Jade made sacrifices for him. “It was just a car. There will be other cars.”

He’d been living for this day since he was seventeen, even since they’d first talked about it. It had been all that kept him going at times, especially these last two years away from Davey. The skinny little boy he’d loved had grown into a lithe young man, supple and strong and smooth beneath Jade’s gaze. His ebony hair had grown to nearly his shoulders in the front and his midnight eyes, sadder than ever, were suffocating in their wide sincerity. His face had grown longer, his lips more easily curved… surely his beauty had started to turn heads by now. And yet, somehow, here he was, a fallen angel nestled in Jade’s own unworthy arms.

“You loved your Porsche,” Davey repeated helplessly.

“Not as much as I love you,” Jade laughed, feeling light inside and allowing a soft smile to spread across his face. “Besides, I’m lucky someone was willing to give me anything for that ancient set of wheels.”

Davey’s face softened, recognizing the regretful edge to his lover’s joking voice. He propelled himself deeper into Jade’s embrace, nearly knocking him backwards. “It’s perfect,” he whispered. “All of this. It’s perfect.”

“It had to be, didn’t it? If it was going to be good enough for you,” Jade murmured into Davey’s ear.

“You’re the only thing that will ever be good enough now,” Davey sighed contentedly. “After you, I’ll never be happy with anything else.”

They stood that way for a long, long time.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	16. 30 Minutes Ago

30 minutes ago  
30

“Jade!” Davey bellowed, pounding on the bedroom door. He’d come home from the rented house, where he’d been staying with the rest of the band, to shower and grab some more clothes. He didn’t want to stay in the apartment without Jade. But the bedroom door had been locked, a light on inside. Davey’s heart was fluttering with something like hope- Jade had come back. Jade loved him. Jade couldn’t bear to be without him. Jade was home.

On the other side of the door, Jade was frozen with a thick kitchen knife laid on their bed in front of him. He’d broken up with Davey, the stupidest and hardest thing he’d ever done, so that he could do this. He knew that Davey would try to stop him- or worse, blame himself. He’d done this to keep Davey from being involved- the last thing he’d ever wanted to do was hurt Davey. He’d only wanted him to stay away so he didn’t have to see this, to be part of this…

And yet, here he was, rattling the door handle.

“Jade Errol Puget!” Davey persisted, feeling like he was going to cry with relief. Jade loved him too much to leave him again, he was sure of it. “If you don’t open this door, I’ll have no choice but to stay on the other side of it forever.”

“Go away,” Jade moaned, running one finger lazily down the edge of the knife. It slid through his skin like butter, leaving a string of red beads in its stead.

“I love you, Jade,” Davey said loudly. “I don’t care what this is about, we’ll work it out. I can’t bear to be apart from you- you’ve been my best friend for twenty-four years. I need you and I know for a fact that you need me. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but you belong to me- we belong to each other. Now please, open the door.”

Jade whimpered, pressing his hands over his ears and starting to cry. “No,” he moaned weakly. “ _No_. You don’t understand.”

Davey’s voice got softer. “Then explain it to me.” He said this like it was the simplest, most logical thing in the world.

“Leave me ALONE!” Jade yelped.

“I’m driving to Adam’s and getting the spare key,” Davey warned, “if you don’t open the door right now.”

“Davey, you have to leave!” Jade begged, laying his bloody hand on the door and petting it softly. He was crying and choking and whispering and dying. “Please.”

“Why, Jade? Why do I have to leave?” Davey asked sadly, not sounding like he had any intention to do so.

“Because I still love you,” breathed Jade, slumping to the ground and disintegrating into sobs. “Everything’s ending all around me, but I can’t stop loving you.”

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	17. 8 Years Ago

8 years ago  
22

Davey was whimpering on the couch when Jade came home. The TV was on and he was wrapped in an afghan. He only did this when he was horribly miserable and Jade wasn’t there to hold him.

Jade immediately dropped his bag, forgetting the stress and troubles of his day- a nine-hour shift at the bookstore followed by a three-hour lecture he’d barely been able to keep his eyes open for- and rushing to his lovers’ side. Jade tenderly pulled the afghan from Davey, wrapping his arms around his slim frame in its place.

Sweeping his tangles off his face, Jade worked a knot of Davey’s hair through his thin fingers. “Darling,” he cooed, pulling Davey close and breathing deep. Davey smelled like he’d been crying. “What’s wrong, angel?”

Davey was shaking. “The sheets were bloody, Jade,” he whispered. “Where?”

“Where what?” Jade said carefully, heart plummeting in his chest. Playing dumb was his best shot, even if they both knew he was doing it.

“Take off your shirt,” Davey ordered. “I want to see where.”

“No, Davey,” Jade murmured into his lover’s hair. “No. I haven’t done that for a long time. There’s a scab from you, love, on my shoulder. It must have come off when I rolled over in my sleep.”

“Take off your shirt,” Davey repeated hollowly.

Jade gently traced kisses down his collarbone. Pulling at the neck of Davey’s shirt with his teeth, he purred, “You can do it for me.”

Davey tried fruitlessly to push Jade off him. “I want to see where,” he demanded, a little breathlessly.

Jade lit his hand slide up Davey’s leg, satisfied to find Davey already half-hard. “You’re the one that made me bleed,” he persisted, nuzzling Davey’s neck.

“P-promise?” Davey managed, moaning as Jade bit the skin just below his jawbone gently.

“Promise,” Jade murmured, sliding his head down to kiss around Davey’s navel while his hands worked at his lover’s belt.

That was all it took. Moments later, when they tumbled onto their bed in a tangle of limbs, Davey didn’t even notice the angry red lie crawling across Jade’s ribcage.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	18. 17 Years Earlier pt. 3

17 years earlier pt. 3  
13

As soon as Jade ran away from him, Davey knew he’d done the wrong thing. There was something new fluttering in his stomach, something he’d never felt before, and he knew by some instinct that if he didn’t find Jade, something terrible would happen to him. Davey wasn’t sure what, exactly, but couldn’t stand the thought of _anything_ hurting Jade, ever. After all, they were best friends.

He got up and ran as fast as he could till he skidded up his driveway. He got his bike out of the garage and, only, pausing to catch his breath for a second, threw himself onto it. He’d always been faster than anyone else in their neighborhood, but if anyone saw him now, they’d be stunned. He pedaled as hard as he could, tearing up the pavement all across town. He didn’t know where, exactly, Jade would go- he went to Adam’s, to Nick’s, even to Geoff’s. He didn’t bother to check Mark’s- he just knew Jade wouldn’t be there. After he’d run out of logical places, he pedaled up every street he came to, trying desperately to find Jade’s shape against the black sky.

And then he knew. He knew where Jade was and that he had to get there as soon as possible, or it would be too late. He didn’t know what too late was, and didn’t intend to find out- he just got on the bike and rode. In fifteen minutes, he’d made it across town to the marshy excuse for a retention pond where he sometimes caught frogs with dumb old Colin. The scum on the water was about an inch thick and the reeds were soggy. He didn’t care. He dropped his bike and ran straight into the muck leading up to the stagnant water. For a minute, he thought he’d been wrong- and then he tripped over a rock and fell, face first, into the mud. He cried out in disgust and there was a thin, whimpering reply.

“Jade!” he yelped immediately, staggering to his feet and running towards the whine. Curled up in a wet patch of rank, soggy mud was a pathetic shell of his best friend. “Oh, Jade,” Davey repeated softly, pulling at Jade’s shoulders, trying to make him sit up. Tears were mingling with blood from a reed-cut on his cheek, all of it glazed with muddy water. Jade would have drowned if he’d sank any lower into the mud, and Davey had the horrifying suspicion that he wouldn’t have so much as moved.

Davey worked his fingers into Jade’s limp fist, squeezing his friend’s hand and trying to coax him to his feet. “Let’s go home, Jade,” he begged, teeth beginning to chatter. The wind was too cold to be outside, wet and coatless, in. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. You’re right, I don’t understand any of it. I’m sorry for all of this. Let’s just go home.”

Jade finally spoke. “I’m sorry I kissed you,” he whispered numbly.

If he hadn’t been so cold, Davey might have blushed. “Let’s just go home,” he begged again. He didn’t want to think about the kiss or whatever it had been. He just wanted things to be like they had used to, like they had been that summer.

To Davey’s relief, Jade clumsily got to his feet. “Okay,” he sniffled miserably.

Davey clutched his hand desperately the whole way home, wheeling his bike along haphazardly. Things wouldn’t be the same between him and Jade ever again, but for now, Davey was just glad to be moving forward again, away from their fight and back towards familiarity. He couldn’t imagine losing Jade- and there, safe in the idyllic cradle of childhood, he truly believed he’d never have to.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	19. 13 Years Ago

13 years ago  
17

Davey was in Adam’s garage with Vic and Geoff, humming to himself while they made the horrendous screeches and crashes customary to the start of their so-called band practices. He had never been sure why, exactly, Jade wasn’t part of this spectacle, but it had something to do with the ‘secret’ band him and Nick had and something Vic had done to him a long time ago.

“I wish Jade could hang out with us,” he sighed wistfully for the nth time. Apparently their bands were rivals- again, it had something to do with Vic- and Jade wasn’t allowed anywhere _near_ Adam’s garage while they were practicing.

Vic glowered at Davey. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were his spy,” he accused, only half joking.

“Oh, like I’d leak our non-material to another non-band,” Davey snapped.

Vic bristled. “I know things about him that would make you _sick_ ,” he retorted.

“Cool it, Vic,” Adam warned. He was good friends with Jade and tried to look out for Davey. “There’s some things you don’t need to say.”

Davey’s interest was officially piqued. “Like what?” That there was _anything_ he didn’t know about his best friend seemed highly unlikely.

“Haven’t you ever found it strange that he’s never had a girlfriend?” Vic asked simperingly.

“Vic!” Adam said sharply, setting down his drumsticks. “That’s ENOUGH!”

Vic feel silent under Adam’s glare, but the damage was already done. Davey’s eyes were enormous. “What do you mean, Vic?” he asked quietly. When Vic didn’t answer, Davey made a strangled sound deep in his throat and turned to Adam, sounding slightly panicked. “What does he mean, Adam?”

Adam stared death at Vic. “Go home, Davey,” he sighed. “See Jade. I would’ve liked him to tell you when he was _ready_ , but it’s better you hear it from him early than us…”

Something was sinking inside Davey. He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad yet, but he certainly wasn’t going to wait around to find out. He booked it out of the garage, Adam and Vic’s yells echoing after him.

Breathless, he arrived at Jade’s door eight minutes later.

Hesitant and panting, he rang the doorbell. He hadn’t done that since he was about seven. Smith looked shocked when he opened the door. “Dave,” he said in awe, “are you on the front steps? Waiting for someone to open the door?”

Davey nodded uneasily and Smith let out a whoop of laughter.

“I don’t fucking believe it!” cackled Smith. Growing more serious, he asked, “You and Jade aren’t fighting, are you?”

Davey shook his head mutely.

“Then don’t ring the doorbell, for God’s sake! What’ll be next, asking permission to stay for dinner? Jesus, you’re practically my brother. Formalities like manners are uncalled for,” Smith grinned, ushering Davey into the house, concern wrinkling his brow for a moment or so. “You sure nothing’s up?”

“No,” Davey mumbled, finally speaking. His voice shook. He was… scared. Would this be what he thought? What he’d been praying for since the age of twelve? Ever since that trip to the lake he’d taken with Jade’s family years ago, he hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off his best friend, and his most bothersome thoughts had grown ever more persistent.

Smith had grown somber. “You two better not fight,” he warned. “Who’ll do your chemistry homework, if not me? Who’ll I blame for finishing the Count Chocula if you aren’t around? And you just _know_ the dog would get depressed and… and all _oily_.”

Davey allowed himself a weak smile as he climbed the stairs to Jade’s room. He opened the door slowly, relieved when Jade’s back was to him. His friend was completely absorbed in the Sega game he was playing.

For a moment, Davey allowed his gaze to linger, tracing the steady lines of Jade’s neck, the loose dusty curls brushing against the smooth, freckled skin, the faded Queen t-shirt that was a size too small and hugged his jutting shoulder blades, the familiar silver hoops tucked through his ears… Davey frowned when his eyes hit the other boy’s skinny, scarred arms. The trails of scabs were no new fixture, despite the number of times Jade had promised to stop.

Shivering in spite of himself, Davey shut the door quietly and crossed the room to Jade’s side, covering the deep brown eyes with his small hands.

“Get out of here, Gibson,” Jade said distractedly, batting the hands away too late. Sonic the Hedgehog had fallen into the lava, and his last life had been spent. “Damn it! That was my best run. Ever,” Jade moaned, turning around in agitated despair.

“Oh!” he said, grinning sheepishly and looking much less desolate when he saw Davey. “And I was about to tell you you were adopted.”

Smiling shakily, Davey sat down next to his best friend. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so nervous.

“I thought you were with your ‘band’,” Jade said, somewhat indignantly. He and Nick looked on the tentatively nameless band as something of a joke, and Davey privately agreed. “I wasn’t supposed to pick you up till six, I thought,” he added, looking worried. They’d made plans to go out for pizza and rent movies tonight and Jade would be furious with himself if he’d forgotten to pick Davey up.

“I was. You were,” Davey assured him without his usual enthusiasm.

He was far too quiet for Jade’s liking. His happy, bubbly Davey was rarely so reserved, especially around him. “Is something wrong?” Jade asked immediately.

“Adam and Vic had an… argument,” Davey said slowly. “That’s why I’m here.”

“Stupid Vic,” Jade muttered. “What about?”

“Um.” Restless, Davey raked his fingernails through his hair, tangling it. “Well. You.”

Jade looked taken aback. “ _Me_?” he repeated dumbly. “What about me were they arguing about?”

Davey squirmed. “Vic started to say something about you, but Adam stopped him. He said that if I was going to hear it before you were… um… _ready_ , you had to be the one to tell me…” he trailed off miserably, wishing he’d never come here, wishing he’d let the whole thing drop. Jade was paler than a dead man.

“What did Vic say?” Jade asked in a low voice. He remembered in great detail what had happened freshman year, why he despised Vic Chalker with all his heart- but he’d clung to the desperate illusion that the rest of Ukiah, Vic included, had forgotten.

“Adam didn’t let him finish,” Davey went on, curiosity beginning to outweigh his dread. Could this really be… what he thought it was? What it _seemed_ like? A bubble of impossible hope crept up within him. “It was something about you… uh… not having a girlfriend. …Ever.”

Jade managed to grow even paler, nearly translucent by this point. “No,” he breathed weakly, slumping back. “No.”

He felt that his world was coming to an end. No one had known about him before high school, before _Vic_ , and he’d (foolishly) hoped that Davey would never find out. He didn’t want to lose his best friend over something like this.

It was Vic who had outed him in the first place. Vic and some of his friends. Jade never knew how they found out, but they carved it into his locker and beat him up repeatedly throughout the course of freshman year.

Suddenly, he despised Vic more than he ever had before. Vic was trying to take his Davey. That was going too far.

“Jade, if there’s something you’ve been keeping from me and you don’t come clean now, I’ll find out from someone else,” Davey warned, careful to keep his voice level. He didn’t want Jade to take it as a threat, even if his entire body was quivering with anticipation for the impossible words that he hoped would leave Jade’s mouth.

Looking and feeling much like he was about to be sick, Jade squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled slowly. “Davey, I should have told you this a long time ago,” he whispered, voice almost weary. “I was just so afraid- you have to promise not to hate me, Dave- I’ve always been terrified that we would change if you knew…”

“Knew what, Jade?” Davey asked desperately, sitting bolt upright, entire body gone rigid. This felt like a dream. It wasn’t possible, it was insane… and yet here he was, heart fluttering and mind racing.

“Dave, I’m…” Jade’s voice broke and began to waver and he took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m gay.”

The second the words left his lips, Jade regretted them. He would have given anything to take them back. Everything was over, now. His perfect friendship was going to end. His perfect best friend was never, ever going to speak to him again.

Davey’s mouth was slightly opened, and dread seeped through Jade’s veins. Disgust. Davey was disgusted with him.

“It’s not, um, so much that I’m _gay_ ,” Jade went on, mumbling and turning purple. He wanted to die. “I, um, I don’t really love… um… men. I just. Um. I love one man.” He glanced at Davey’s face to try to read what was going on behind those still brown eyes. It was a mistake. Dave still hadn’t so much as moved. “I… well. Really. It’s not that I’m gay. It’s just—it’s just that I’m in love. And when… when you’re talking about love… what does gender really matter?”

This was Jade’s last desperate plea. He stopped rambling awkwardly and looked down at Davey helplessly. He was entirely at the mercy of those hard, sharp eyes that suddenly flicked over him, tearing him open and making his fingertips sting. His tongue turned to ice and he couldn’t speak anymore, even if he’d wanted to.

Jade didn’t know if it was a relief or not that Davey finally spoke, voice sounding dead. His one word did little to put Jade at ease, or even give him any inclination towards what his best friend was thinking. “Who?” Davey hissed, the deliberate syllable falling from his lips like lead.

“Who?” Jade croaked. “I can’t- um. I-”

“Who?” Davey repeated, voice completely emotionless, entirely still except for his cutting eyes. There was a muted urgency in his tone, and he sounded deadly.

Jade looked and his hands, which were knotted together in his lap. It was apparent that Davey was furious and probably never going to speak to him again, so why the hell not? Why not tell the entire truth? At least give his friend a good reason to hate him. The best.

And even if he despised Jade, even if Jade never saw him again, well, at least he would know. He deserved to, didn’t he? He had to.

“Do you remember the time… um… a few years ago? I was… thirteen. You must have been, I don’t know, in fifth grade. I… well. God, this was so long ago,” Jade mumbled, nervous and unable to get his words out properly. He was painfully aware of how stupid he must sound. “You… you came to find me. I was with the guys and you saw us trying cigarettes… remember? And you got mad and ran away, but I caught you, and…”

“You tried to drown yourself,” Davey accused, eyes angry.

Jade felt something inside him shrivel up and die and his voice got smaller. “Yeah. Um. Before that. In that field. Um. You remember, don’t you?”

 _Please God, Davey, don’t make me say it_ , Jade begged silently.

“You kissed me,” Davey said, and now he looked confused. He’d been so sure that Jade was in love with some other boy, probably Adam or someone else a thousand times better than he ever could be, stomping out the slightest hope he’d ever had of being happy- why was he bringing that up? Why was he ruining the best memory Davey had?

“Yes,” Jade agreed, sounding strangled. “Yes, I did. Um. Do that. Um. Kiss. …You.” His voice dropped even further, no more than a choked whisper by now. “Well. Davey. There. Um. There was a… reason. That I did that.” He glanced up at Davey again, wincing. By sheer force of will, he kept his eyes aligned with Davey’s, and painfully confessed the secret he’d been keeping for half his life. “I kissed you,” he said, already horrified by the words he was about to say, “because I… I already knew… that I loved you.”

Silence. Was there anything worse than silence? Jade’s heart was breaking under the weight of every word Davey didn’t say, every word that his eyes said for him.

And still, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t move at all until Jade made to get up, to run, to die, to sob, to do _anything_ but sit there staring at Davey’s disbelief. Jade started to rise and only then did Davey show any sign of life, small hand darting to Jade’s pale wrist and laying only the lightest of touches against it. “Stay,” he whispered, voice small and frail. “Please stay with me.”

Jade looked again at Davey’s eyes, which had become large and helpless in the brief second he’d looked away. Something rose within him, making it difficult to breathe.

Jade took Davey’s feminine hand in his own and pulled the smaller boy to his feet, where he still stood several inches shorter. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said slowly, guardedly, not releasing Davey’s hand.

“I mean stay always,” Davey said, voice gaining strength.

Jade’s breath was coming short, his whole body tingling and feeling terribly, wonderfully _alive_. “…Dave?” he asked weakly, voice breaking.

And suddenly Davey stopped fighting what he’d been struggling against for the last three years. He allowed himself to do what his body had been begging him to repeat ever since the first time it happened. Shuffling his feet forward slightly, he closed the small space between them, pressing his body lightly against Jade’s, which pushed back against him without hesitation. Slowly, deliberately, eyes never leaving Jade’s, he pushed himself onto his tiptoes and placed his lips against Jade’s cheek.

Jade’s hands had found their way to the small of Davey’s back, and he turned his head almost immediately, catching his friend’s cool lips with his own.

Eyes sparkling, Davey pulled back. It had only been an instant, the kiss, but that had been enough. He stared up at Jade with complete and unmasked adoration, practically purring his own confession. “I love you, Jade Puget. I have loved you all my life and I will love you until the day I die, whether you’re with me or not. So please… tell me you’ll stay. _Promise_ me you’ll stay.”

“Forever?” Jade breathed.

“For always.”

Jade’s lips closed over Davey’s again, and this time their kiss was deeper, lasting longer. It was the easiest promise he’d ever made.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>  



	20. An Amaranthine Ending

_Present_

 

‘No’ is the only thing I know how to say anymore. Over and over, ‘no’ is leaving my lips, sounding more and more pathetic every time. It gets lower and angrier and soon I’m screaming it. No, no, no. This isn’t true. This isn’t real.

You promised, you know. You may have forgotten, but I didn’t. And right now your broken promise is the only thing I can think of as I take you in my arms and sob, repeating nonono like denying it will somehow bring you back.

If only, if only.

If only I had done something, all the times I knew you hurt yourself.

If only I had realized that you were going to try this someday.

If only I had stopped you.

As I look back, there are a thousand things I could have done that would have prevented this. A thousand things I should have said to you. A thousand things I never should have done. A thousand moments I should have kissed you that I didn’t.

There’s so many times you never smiled, so many times I was overwhelmed with affection but didn’t say it out loud.

So many times I didn’t tell you I loved you.

I can’t believe that I’ve run out of time.

Nononono. I _refuse_ to believe it.

I can’t. I won’t. We’re both covered in your blood and there is so much of it. I don’t believe it.

Nonono.

This can’t have happened.

This can’t have happened because I love you, Jade.

You can’t have done this.

No

no

no.

I should call someone. 911. Adam. Smith.

But it’s too late. I can see in your eyes that you’re already gone.

You’re laying here and you’re still bleeding but you’re gone.

No.

How could I have been too late? How could you have done this with me outside the door, begging for you to let me in?

And suddenly, just like that, I get it. It all makes sense, now. In a wave of blood and horror, I find terrible understanding.

You did let me in. Finally, for the first time, you stopped hiding.

Oh, Jade. Sweet, beautiful Jade.

You didn’t have to do this.

We had everything.

We could have been happy.

We could have found a way to make you happy.

We could have done anything, Jade. Didn’t you see that?

We could have done _anything_.

We had each other.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=3510>


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